She makes me want to die.

I can’t listen to this song any more. It hurts too much. It hurts too fucking much. This is so stupid. I’m crying. I’m wiping gross snot on my fucking sleeves. I’m making a scene in this alleyway with my head between my knees, bawling and shit. Folks are walking by and dropping change and bills. Pathetic pathetic pathetic!

How could I have let it get this bad? How I could I have let her destroy absolutely everything? She cracked the fucking sky! She sent fissures through all the major faults and ley lines! She eviscerated the moon!

Sure, sure, get all poetic. That’s going to help. Just stick those two fingers in that festering hole in my heart and twist. Widen it out. Expedite the blood loss. I don’t need it after all. There’s always more. There’s always more from all these other people.

But not her. Her blood isn’t up for grabs. Her heart is locked in a stone casket, carved in Sumerian runes and blessed by a black priest before it was cast into the Caspian Sea. It’s irretrievable, undaunting, unplaceable, and other synonyms for completely cut off to me.

Fuck this and fuck her. And fuck me most of all. Stupid idiot. Worm. Defiler. Cosmic clown. Punchline of the universe. Bile and snot and tears in a big skin bag. Hollow in the chest. Sharp bones poking through my flesh and clothing. All qualities she loved. So why are things how they are? What did I do? What did I do wrong this time?

My eyes have never burnt this bad. I am near empty. I don’t think I’ll ever cry again after this. It won’t be possible. This is the pinnacle of sadness. Complete destitution. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to wake up tomorrow. The world is entirely destroyed and we’re just supposed to pretend that everything is normal? As if we aren’t all walking through shards of glass and vinegar, as if we hadn’t dragged everyone down to hell with us?

We made things worse. So why am I still craving? This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. We destroyed everyone to make this happen. We lied and cheated.

Do I really have to start over? Do I really have to do this all again? I’m tired. My eyes hurt. I’m sad. Can’t I just whine and mope like any other normal person? And what good will it do? To bring everyone back just to grovel? To apologize like I always do. “Sorry I ruined everything. Sorry I brought everything crashing down on you. Sorry I destroyed you. Sorry I drove you mad. Sorry I brought about your demise.”

…

What are you doing here?

You’re not supposed to be here yet.

You need to go back.